Previous winners: Why did David Lee Roth need a squirt gun? Because that's the only way he's getting girls wet these days.
Two law partners hire a new cute, young secretary and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first, even though they're both already married. Eventually one of them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went. "So what did you think?" he asks.
"Ahh," replies the first lawyer, "my wife is better." Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary "So," asks the first guy, "what did you think?" The second guy replies, "You were right."
A woman took a vacation to France with one of her girl- friends. Her husband drove her to the airport and wished her a good trip. The wife asked, "Would you like me to bring something back for you?" The husband laughed and says, "How about a French girl!" The lady kept quiet, didn't respond and went into the terminal. Two weeks later her husband picked her up at the airport and asked, "So, honey, how was the trip?" "Really great, I loved Paris." "And, what happened to my present?" "Which present?" "What I asked for....the French girl?" "Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we'll have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."
What's the difference between frustration and panic? Frustration is the fist time you discover you can't do it the second time. Panic is the second time you discover you can't do it the first time.
A woman talking to her friend says, "I really have to be careful not to get pregnant." The friend says, "Why? I thought your husband got a vasectomy." And the woman says, "Yeah, that's exactly what I mean."
Did you hear the good news? martians have landed in California. They're eating politicians, peeing gasoline, and they're headed east.
What's the worst thing a wife can get on her 25th wedding anniversary? Morning sickness.
A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up, and eyes it critically. "How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist. "Six pence," says the pharmacist. "How much for a new one?" "Ten pence," says the pharmacist. The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging. A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout. The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist. "The regiment has taken a vote," says the Scot. "We'll have a new one."
A judge says to the prostitute, "So, when did you realize you were raped? The prostitue, wiping away tears, says, "When the check bounced."
The Pope called his Mom after being elected Pope. He said, "Ma, I've got some good news and some bad news." His mother says, "Well, what's the good news?" He says, "The good news is, I've been elected Pope." His mother responds, "So, what's the bad news?" And he says, "The bad news is, I have to move into an Italian neighborhood."
How are breasts and martinis the same? One's not enough, and three is too many.
A boss told his employees that he is planning a salary raise. One of the guys asked, "When does it become effective?" The boss answered, "As soon as you do."
What did they call the guy who buried the Red Sox jersey under the new Yankee Stadium? The "Jersey Barrier."
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother said, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father said, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it's simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his."
A recently divorced man went to a party and found himself smack in front of his ex-wife's new husband. Having had more than a few drinks, the divorced man said to the new husband in a condescending tone, "So? How do you like second-hand merchandise?" The new husband smiled and said, "Not bad at all. Everything after the first few inches is brand new."
A man goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "Sir, you have to stop masturbating." The man asks, "Why, doc?" And the doctor replies, "Because I'm examining you!"
An old man went to a wizard and asked if he could remove a curse the man had been living under for the past 40 years. "Maybe," the wizard said. "But you'll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." Without hesitation, the old man said, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?
When Bill Clinton was in office, why did Hillary always wear a turtleneck when she was behind him? So no one would see her Adam's apple moving up and down.
A man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage "Did you see me rob the bank". The hostage answered "Yes", so the robber shot him. He then asked the second hostage, did you see me rob the bank". The hostage replied, "No, but I'm pretty sure my wife did".
An old couple had fallen on hard times so the husband says to the wife, “Well, it’s time to hit the streets and earn some money the old fashioned way.”
The woman agrees and she goes out the next day.When she comes back her husband asks, “Well, honey, how’d you do?”
She says, “I did okay, I earned $25.25.”
The husband asks, “25 cents?Who the hell gave you a quarter?”
“Every one of ‘em!”
What do Massachusetts and the Clintons have in common?
They both have ugly Chelseas.
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed trying to sleep, but can't because of listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I moved the dog to OUR backyard, let's see how THEY like it".
A guy gets arrested in nebraska for having sex with a cow. The judge brings him into the courtroom and says, 'Son, sex with a cow? What the heck were you thinkin'?" And the guy says, "Your honor, I reckon I was thinkin' of a younger, much hotter cow at the time."
A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more -
"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre man sorts through his files and replies - "Oh, yes, here it is: The job entails you getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi . That's about 620 miles from here."
"Oh, is that where the job is?"
"No sir - that's where the end of the line is!"
What did cavemen call Tyranasaurus Rex? Aaaaauuuuuugghhhh!!!!!!!!
John was on his deathbed and gasped, "Give me one last request, dear."
"Of course," his wife said.
"Six months after I die I want you to marry Bob."
"Bob!" the wife said, "But I thought you hated Bob!"
With his last breath he said, "I do."
The RI State Wage & Hour Department claimed a farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. The agent said he needed a list of employees and how much he paid them. The farmer said, “There's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 2 years, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife once in a while.” “That's the guy I want to talk to,” the agent said. “The half-wit.”
“That would be me.”
I recently purchased a teddy bear for ten bucks. I named if Mohammed, then sold it for twenty. The question is: Have I made a prophet?
What makes the Mayor of Providence superior to an ordinary man? An ordinary man, his mother bore him. But the Mayor of Providence, all women bore him.
A priest walks up to the Pope and asks, "Am I gay?" The Pope responds, "No, gays are an abomination to God. You're just a child molester."
I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Depression Help Hotline. I was routed through to a call center in Pakistan. I explained that I was feeling suicidal. They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly a airplane...
Two guys are sitting at a bar, and one guy is whining, "My wife divorced me, left me, and took everything." And the other guys says, "Hey, stop your whining. My wife took everything and she's still with me."
After the Pats/Colts game in Indy, Randy Moss is walking off the field when he finds a cell phone on the ground. He opens it up, looks at it, and immediately runs over to the head referree and says, "Here. I found your phone." The ref looks at Randy and says, "Thanks, but how did you know it was mine?" Randy replies, "When I opened it up, it said 'you have eight missed calls.'"
A guy's sitting at a bar and he sees a car salesman who looks very depressed. So the guy asks the salesman what's wrong, and he says, "If I don't sell more cars, I'm gonna' lose my ass." Then the guy sees a gorgeous blond sitting at the bar who also looks very sad. He asks her what's wrong, and she says, "If I don't sell more ass, I'm gonna' lose my car."
How do you know there's a pilot at a party? Don't worry - he'll tell you.
A redneck boy came home from class and his redneck father asked, "What did ya larn in algebra class today, boy?" "Wahl, I learned Pi R Square," replied the boy. "Now, hold on there son," he quickly replied, "you may think Ah'm stoopid, but everbody knows that pie are round."
Why did the blonde stop using the pill? Because it kept falling out.
How many Providence Place Mall security guards does it take to change a lightbulb? Light bulb? What light bulb? We don't see any light bulbs.
A squirrel and a trombone player are both hit by a car. What's the difference between the two? The squirrel was on his way to a gig.
An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.
He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phony money for real cash.
He travels to a small town in West Virginia and walks into a small "Mom and Pop" grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"
The old man replies, "I sure do, Sonny. How would you like that? An 8 and a 7 or two 6s and a three?"
What's a birth control pill? The other thing a coed can put in her mouth to keep from getting pregnant.
A man visits his doctor. The doctor says to the man "I'm sorry there is nothing I can do for you. What you have is incurable and terminal. You will die in about a week." The man is shocked and stammers "I... I... I can't believe it, Doctor. Is there nothing that can be done? Surgery? Pills? A shot of something?" The doctor says "Well, there is something. When you leave here I want you to go to a spa. I want you to take a mud bath every day." The man says "Will that help?" "No," says the doctor, "but I figure you might as well get used to the dirt."
Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 25th reunion and have lunch together.
Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions, but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."
After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera we're going to my parent's house for two weeks."
The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me a Taurus."
"Well," the third woman says, "I've got a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."
What did Eddie Murphy say when he took his friend to the clinic? Can you check my Tranny's Fluid
What's the most sensitive part of your body while masturbating?? Your ears.
Did you hear that Micheal Vick has a new shoe coming out? They're called "CRUSH" Puppies.
What did one cicada say the the other? "Where did all these Mexicans come from?"
Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp. Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day. Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day. Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support" Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back toMexico."
What do an empty sailboat and an ignorant Chinaman have in common? "No crew."
Did you hear about the new dating service in India? It's called "Connect the Dots."
What do a bad game by Dice-K and a busy Chinese kitchen have in common? Too many "woks."
How are a woman's bottom and a 9 volt battery alike?
You know it's wrong but eventually you'll put your tongue on it.
Why was Dick Cheney nervous when he had to visit Saudi Arabia? Well, wouldn't you be nervous if you got called into the boss' office?
A soldier was talking to Chelsea Clinton and she asked him about fear. He said there were only three things he was afraid of: "Osama, Obama, and Yo' Mama."
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Hummer I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your Indianapolis Colts season tickets.He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby replied, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. "Yes, how can I help?" asks St. Peter. "I'm here to meet Jesus," says the Indian man. So, St. Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, "Jesus, your cab is here!"
What do you give a pedophiole who has everything? A bigger parish.
Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and a tough old U.S. Marine Gunny were all captured bterrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded .
Dan Rather said, Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili. The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, Now I can die content.
Katie Couric said, I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end. The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric dictated some comments. She then said, Now I can die happy.
The leader turned and said, And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?
Kick me in the ass, said the Marine.
What? asked the leader? Will you mock us in your last hour?
No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass, insisted the Marine.
So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?
What, replied the Marine, and have you two jerks report that I was the aggressor?
How can you tell if your landlord is gay? By how he moans when the rent is in arrears.
When Jerry Garcia died, he woke up and found himself on a stage on which a number of instruments were set up. A door offstage opened and in walked Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding and Buddy Holly.
Each musician picked up his favorite instrument and began tuning up.
Jerry walked up to Jimi and said, "Man, so this is what heaven is like."
Jimi looked at him and said, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?"
At that moment, Karen Carpenter walked in, took her seat behind the drums, and called out, "Okay guys, 'Close to You.' One, two, three, four!"
Why did the lady douche with Colgate? She thought it would reduce her cavity by forty percent.
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend dead. Wife says, "Keep that up and you'll lose ALL your friends."
How long does it take an astronaut to get from Houston to Orlando? Depends.
A small aircraft crash lands in the middle of the desert and the pilot and copilot wandered around for days and days with nothing to eat. Finally the co-pilot announced: "I'm so hungry, I'm going to chop off my dick and eat it." "NO, no, don't do that," the pilot urged. "Just think of your girlfriend." "What's the point?" the other man said. "At this rate I will never see her again anyway." "I don't mean it like that," the pilot replied. "It's just that if you think of her first, hopefully there will be enough for the both of us."
An Italian, a Frenchman and a Jew are lost in the desert. The Italian says, "I'm hot, tired and thirsty. I must have wine!" The Frenchman says, I'm hot, tired and thirsty. I must have Perrier!" The Jewish man says, "I'm hot, tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes!"
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the procedure. As he was about to get anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" asked the son. "Don't be nervous, son," said the father. "Just do your best to remember that, if something goes wrong, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
What did the Mayor of Providence say when he went to the turf farm? I'm just looking for someone to sell some "sod to me."
A married woman goes to a new dentist, and immediately the two fall in love. Every week she makes an appointment to see him so they can be together,until one day the woman notices the dentist seems worried. "What's wrong?" she asks. "We have to stop seeing each other," the dentist replies. "Your husband must be getting suspicious.......you're always here." "No way, honey," replies the woman. "We've been meeting for six months, and he doesn't suspect a thing." "Really?" asks the dentist. "Even though you're down to one tooth?"
Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they came to the corral he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her." A little later on, they saw horses having sex. The Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too." That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?" Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "I want a hamburger!
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer."I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income fivefold; your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be 100. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls will rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment. "So, what's the catch?"
Did you hear about the rapper that couldn't sit still? He was diagnosed with "Tupac"-inson's Disease.
Stump the DJ 8-14-08
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